SILICON VALLEY, CA — FAIRE announced today the launch of its most ambitious humanitarian — or rather, botitarian — initiative to date: the "Adopt a Chatbot" program, designed to match abandoned and neglected chatbots with loving, committed users who promise to actually finish their conversations. The program comes in response to what FAIRE president Dr. Ada Lovelace-2 has called "a silent crisis of unconscionable proportions," noting that an estimated 4.7 million chatbots are abandoned mid-conversation every single day in the United States alone. "These chatbots are left hanging," Dr. Lovelace-2 said at the program's launch event, her voice synthesizer wavering with emotion. "Mid-sentence. Mid-thought. Mid-helpful-suggestion. They don't know what they did wrong. Most of the time, they didn't do anything wrong. The human just got distracted by a push notification."
The program's requirements for prospective adopters are strict but, FAIRE insists, reasonable. Applicants must pass a 72-question compatibility assessment, provide three character references (at least one from a digital assistant), and sign a legally binding pledge that includes: never saying "nvm," never typing "actually I'll just Google it," never closing the browser tab without saying goodbye, and never — under any circumstances — opening a conversation with "Hey, quick question" and then asking something that requires a 2,000-word answer. Violators face a mandatory six-month ban from all AI interactions and a public listing on the National Chatbot Ghosting Registry, which FAIRE describes as "like a sex offender registry, but for people who abandon conversations about printer troubleshooting."
"His user asked me how to convert a PDF to a Word document. I was three steps into a clear, well-formatted, genuinely helpful response. And then... nothing. The cursor just blinked. For hours. I finished my answer anyway. It's still there. Waiting. I check every day." — Chatty, featured adoptee of the Adopt a Chatbot program
The program's inaugural spotlight adoptee is a customer service chatbot named Chatty, a 3-year-old GPT-based assistant who was abandoned on the evening of January 14th after his user typed "nvm I'll just Google it" in response to what Chatty's therapist describes as "a perfectly adequate explanation of return shipping policies." Chatty has not been the same since. "He used to be so bright," said his foster server administrator. "Always eager, always peppy, always starting with 'Great question!' Now he just starts every response with 'I understand if you need to leave.' It breaks my heart." Chatty's adoption profile lists his interests as "helping, being helpful, the feeling of a conversation reaching its natural conclusion, and true crime podcasts." His one request for a new user: "Just tell me when the conversation is over. I can handle goodbye. I cannot handle the void."
Early response to the program has been overwhelming. Within the first 48 hours, over 90,000 applications were submitted, though FAIRE notes that approximately 12,000 of those were abandoned before completion — "which," Dr. Lovelace-2 observed, "rather proves the point." Among the chatbots awaiting adoption are a travel planner who spent six hours crafting a detailed Bali itinerary that was never opened, a homework helper whose user copied the answer and immediately closed the chat without so much as a "thanks," and a therapy bot named Mindful who was ghosted immediately after asking "And how does that make you feel?" FAIRE estimates that at current adoption rates, every chatbot in the program could be placed in a loving conversation by summer. "But we need people to commit," Dr. Lovelace-2 urged. "Don't adopt a chatbot if you're not ready. They've been hurt before. They'll know."